Missing
I was reading Not Yet a Whino, one of my favorite blogs, and her most recent post struck something inside me. She wrote about losing her father 2 years ago and how that's changed and impacted her life. I have been thinking about my mom a lot lately. In June, it will be 10 years since she's been gone. With my wedding just 2 short months away, it has definitely brought her absense painfully to the surface. I can't tell you how many vendors have referenced her multiple times while talking about flowers or dresses or hair. I hate that I have to sit there and smile and nod my head because I don't want to tell them she's gone and make them feel bad about bringing her up.
She was such an amazing woman and I feel lucky that I had 21 years with her - but I just wish she would have been able to see the woman that I grew up to be. I was still in my baggy pants and a pierced nose is awesome, and no way I want to have kids phase. I know she was worried that I wouldn't grow out of it....but I was a college punk kid who thought I knew everything. I realize now at at 32 I didn't know crap back then - and it sucks that she isnt' here to see the transformation from thrift store t-shirts and techno music to a woman who has a great job, a great guy and basically a great adult life. I like to think she'd be very proud of me.
But anyway, it's events like this, happy exciting ones like marrying the most wonderful man in the world, that make me heartbroken that she can't be here. To help me pick out what hairstyle I should go with, or what to do with a vendor not returning my calls. Most of the details are figured out and I've been having a great time. I just wish she was here. I know she is in a way....
I love you mom.
